the Monster Burger

"Want to come to the Market at the Lung Centre tomorrow?" Joke asked, "I already invited Emma."
"Sure!"
"We would be leaving early."
"Sounds good."
"Ok, great. I'll pick you up at 5:20."
AM?

The morning light, not yet burning moisture of the petals of flowers in the vendor's tents as they radiated life and emanated pleasant fragrances was tenacious. I wandered through fruit and vegetable stands, clothing sellers and vendors of miscellaneous things.
"For me it is soul food." Joke comments. "It carries a bit of saltspring feel to it. You might find that."
If i squint a little... yup, there it is.

I find a couple of treasures and have friendly vendors wrap them up.

"There's a place around here that sells a burger that, if you can eat it in 20 minutes you don't have to pay for it."
When I first heard this I raised an eyebrow. I have never seen a burger so big as I couldn't finish it off with a side of fries. This sounded like a challenge.

I am not one for gluttony, but this was different. With my love for burgers and an adventurous spirit, it seemed as if this was my "Thor's Hammer"; a challenge designed for this moment in my destiny; a "Carpe Diem" Moment.

We found the burger stand and saw two sizes of patties being grilled. One was normal size. The other was quite huge indeed- probably the biggest burger patties I've ever seen. However, it certainly did not look unattainable. Really, not that much bigger than the burgers they used to serve at Raven Street Cafe on Saltspring.
"We had better inquire about the rules." Joke offered. Pointing to the promotional sign she asks about the "monster burger."

Now, someone should tell the owners of that stand that "monster burger" was hardly an effective name for the heart-stopping behemoth, death-by, mammoth burger I was about to consume. Monster burger sounds enough like "Whopper" or "Big Mac." These fast food places have stolen the glory from words like "massive" "Big Mamma" or "Tennessee Train wreck." This burger should have been called something much more memorable, epic, or vulgar. Maybe the reason they did not pick a more jaw-dropping name was that they wanted to keep the challenge within the place where your brain foolishly thinks that it is do-able.

The money changer quoted the price of the burger.
"Wow! Not cheap."
"You had better finish it."
"Well, I don't think it'll be a problem."
"Yea, but Michael... Those are not the Monster burgers."
"Whaaat?"
"That, is the monster burger." The lady was pulling a patty out of an icebox. 9 inches round and a full pound of cow.
I hesitated.
"I think you can do it" Joke counsels. And so it is decided.
"It will take 20 minutes to cook."
"Let's come back then.

In those 20 minutes I considered the hegemony I was about to commit. I am not a vegetarian, but I was thinking about becoming one after this- at least for a week, to make it up to all the vegetarians silently suffering if I told them what I had done. Even as I heard the well reasoned clauses of these fruit nuts in my cerebellum I heard another sound coming like the whoops of Albertan cowboys raising dust over the rugged plains. I think they were cheering, and I couldn't help feel a little embarrassed. But I also knew what every cowboy knows before he rides the bull. It is a matter of honor.

The beast is served at a special little table apparently reserved for the occasion. It is cut into fourths (each fourth a good sized burger in itself). The toppings include tomato, lettuce and cucumber (perhaps one or two of each).
I don't feel recklessly hungry. After all, it is still not 8am yet. I've been known to eat big breakfasts, but these are usually carb-based extravaganzas at 10AM after jogging for an hour or some such.

"Ever had a hamburger for breakfast before?" Joke asks
There's a first time for everything
I'll try anything once
... and this, is not a time to think!

Lorrie phones Joke at about the same time as i dive in.
"Just imagine that every 5 minutes you get to eat another quarter pounder" she advises.
Emma's advise is that eating fast allows you to eat more. I am confused at this, since I though the trick was to eat slow. I try both: eating fast, eating slow, until I decide that eating the first part fast would give me the option to eat the second part slow.
"Slow down." Joke suggests, (worse than the crowd at a hockey game.)
It is certainly becoming a team event. In fact, I am drawing a small crowd. The stand's manager is telling me about how good his meat is, about Canada, about how in Texas they have big burgers like this but call them something different. Every thing's bigger in Texas.
A bystander looks at the burger and then at my stomach.
"There's no room!"
Enthused by my attempts, a commentator brings me a cup of coffee to help it go down. In Filipino fashion, this challenge has become a community event. I'm having fun.

I could not finish the burger. I really couldn't. at 9 inches across we decided that it was an inch more than the typical pie plate. A burger pie! Does it get any better?
Perhaps i failed, but it hardly felt like it. I met some friendly Filipinos and even a free coffee. And the Burger was delicious. I gave most of the remainder to Shoimar when I got back. Upon telling him that the box contained only a quarter of the burger, he looked confused. It weighed a lot more than a quarter. When he saw it, the expression on his face was priceless.
Lorrie suggested that the adventure was one worth chalking up for "Michael the brave" as I've accidentally started people calling me. I don't see that it held any rapids, sheer cliffs or defiance of certain death, but it was, in the least, worth chalking up.